40 learnings for my 40s

Here is a list of my life’s learnings, the thoughts I live by (or at least try to live by) daily. And I hope to keep adding more to the list as I grow older…

On Learning

• We all spend our 20s thinking we know everything. In our 30s we realise we never knew anything, and then actually start growing. So the 40s are a lot easier with this knowledge that we don’t know much 😊.
• We learn forever. We need to. Never think you’ve learnt all there is to know, and stop working on yourself. That will be the end of you as a person. Always look to improve yourself, through small or big things.
• (This is not an original thought but I love it and it’s so true) We all never realise but as children, we saw our parents growing up. Our parents had us very young and were still finding themselves then. So we should be a bit kinder to them for their mistakes, they just had us too soon and didn’t get enough time to grow up, before having children.
• A lot of life’s learnings seem obvious once you discover them. And I realised later that a lot of religions talk about these learnings too. In fact, we all knew them while growing up too. We just didn’t give them enough importance then 😊.
• (I read this somewhere and picked it up) When we are young, we have age and time but no money to enjoy life. When we are middle-aged, we have age and money on our side but not enough time to enjoy. And when we are old, we have time and money but not the age to enjoy. So make the most of what you can, when you can. You never know when you will get a chance next.

On Life

• Life has ups and downs. All the time. The best way to deal with it is to be positive during the downs and wait for them to pass. Just stay calm and let it be. It works. It helps. And it’s the only choice you have 😂. No amount of fretting or over-planning will make your life only have ups. The downs will keep coming all through life irrespective of what you do.
• Life isnt fair. Period. It’s totally random. Anything can happen to anyone and without logic. Tough things happen, even to good people. There is no point questioning it. And you won’t ever get an answer. So just accept it, move on and do what is in your power to improve it. Let the rest be. And don’t expect life to be fair. It’s easier to just accept it for what it is and move on than constantly questioning it.
• There is generally an accepted standard route to life for most people (especially in the Indian context): study > get a job > get married > have children > they study > they get a job > they get married > they have children, and the cycle continues. But not everyone needs to or will have the same route to life. And it’s ok.
• Silence is underrated. It’s ok to have moments of silence with friends, family and other people around. Don’t try to fill up all time with meaningless talk.
• Doing nothing is underrated. And a problem plaguing us all right now is the inability to deal with doing nothing for a while.
• Going to a therapist to help figure out life is underrated. They are professionals and can help us with life’s questions better than we can alone or just with our friends who are not experts at it.
• Life is like a stool with 3 legs — the self part, the social part (family, friends, relationships) and work. All three need to be in balance for a happy balanced life.
• Mid life crisis is real.
• After my midlife crisis, I came to the following conclusions (in case it helps!). Life doesn’t have any deeper meaning. And one shouldn’t waste time trying to find it. It’s all about living a happy and contented life — that’s what is most helpful. How you go about it depends on you — it could be through helping others, doing the right thing or just enjoying life. Just keep doing whatever gives you satisfaction and happiness, don’t look for more answers.

On Happiness

• Expectations are the source of most of the unhappiness in life. If we can manage our expectations better, we can be happier.
• One cannot control what happens in life to you or what other people do. And we all spend so much time trying to control it. All you can control is your own reaction to it. So work on that — your reaction to life.
• (This is one of my main life mantra) ‘Happiness is a choice’. How you choose to react to a situation defines how happy you will be, not the situations around you.
• If we all make a list of what all we have, and remember it regularly, we will be happier and will complain less. And we should not forget being healthy and having loved ones in our lives as being some of the biggest gifts we all have. We should try to derive as much happiness as possible from the gifts we have, not always craving to add more things to the list.
• If you can base your happiness on yourself, based on what you do, rather than on expectations from others and on how they react, you’ve cracked it. To be honest that’s what the Gita also says but I feel I have cracked this for myself 😂.
• (I read this one somewhere) Sometimes you can spend more time worrying about something than the pain of actually living through it. So it’s better to not worry too much before something actually happens.

On People

• People are complex. They all have their own values, logic and view of what is right and wrong. Its tough to understand everyone or to get everyone to see your point of view. You just have to let it go, and let people be. The more you try to change them or get them to be like you, the more it will just frustrate you.
• One can’t change people. They are who they are. Maybe they evolve a bit if they have deep self awareness and want to improve themselves. But that happens from within. Not because they are told to or expected to change. If we can manage our expectations accordingly, regarding friends, family and other people around, we will be more happy and content in our own lives.
• Not all people go through the same self awareness and learning journey as we may have done or are going through. Or they may go through it at a different time in life. It’s important to realise that and not try to foist our learnings on other people or expect them to understand us.
• Everyone can’t be the same. In recent times, we have started expecting the same level of perfection from everyone. Everyone should be empathetic. Everyone should have high EQ. Everyone should be a great leader etc.. But it’s not possible for everyone to be the same. We should stop expecting it.
• This is sometimes very difficult to understand, but in everyone’s mind they themselves are right. That’s why they do what they do. So telling people they are wrong won’t work a lot of times.
• Stupidity is a fact of life. Ignoring stupidity (or your perception of stupidity in others) is important for your own sanity.

On Friends

• Some friends last a lifetime, some don’t. Some grow up (and some don’t), some grow apart from us, some move away, some want different things, and so on. We have to learn to accept that and be able to move away from old friends, gracefully, and without bitterness in our hearts.
• The friends of different phases of our lives could be different. Some are better friends when we are married, some are better when we are single. Some better when we were young, some better when we have gone through difficult experiences. And so on. And that’s ok.
• Friends come in all shapes and sizes. There are friends who will always comfort us and make us feel fuzzy. And then there are friends who will be honest and show us the mirror. It’s good to have both kinds of friends, we need them both.
• For single people, it’s ok to keep making new friends if your old friends have kids 🤣. Friends with kids are mostly busy and not of much use to you. Then you will need new single friends to hangout with. Don’t feel guilty about it.
• A lot of friends have good intentions when they give us advice. But a lot of that doesn’t work as they may not have been in the same situation as you. The most relevant advice is from people who have been through similar situations as us, so find those friends always. For example, for dating, for dealing with mental health, for divorce, etc., take advice from friends who have been through it, not just your close friends with the right intentions.

On Relationships

• Being lonely and being alone are different things. And not both of them are bad. Being alone is mostly about being physically alone and it isn’t as bad. But being lonely is the bigger problem in today’s world, which one can be even while not being alone. Always try to separate the two.
• A good relationship is better than being single. But being single is better than being in a bad relationship. So don’t go for a relationship just to avoid being alone.

On Work and priorities

• ‘It’s not important’. There are many things we prioritise which we don’t need to. Every work meeting. Any negative thing someone says. And so on. Being able to sift through what is important and what isn’t is quite important for a peaceful life.
• If someone says they are busy or have no time, it simply means that thing is not important enough for them to prioritise.
• The smartphone seems to have become the cause of so many new age issues — fomo, comparisons, social media anxiety etc.. Stop checking your phone regularly. And stop believing social media. Life will get a lot easier then.
• Multitasking is a scam. You don’t have to do it. Be ok with doing one thing at a time. And doing nothing some of the time 😊.
• With all the education and financial security we all work hard towards, once we get some of it, the benefit of that is the ability to only do work you like or take breaks from work. Use this benefit,
• Not having a job needs to be normalised in a lot of societies, especially in India.
• And last but not the least -> We will all die. That is the only certainty in life. So don’t stress much about what you were able to do and what not in life. The end is still going to be the same 😊.

(This article is also on medium)